Countless times, even though I love God so much, I often find myself hiding from Him. As for whether I indulge myself with my sinful desires intentionally or unintentionally, I always caught myself with the thought of Jesus looking at me, nodding and disappointed every time I sin, and every time I default my thoughts to anything sinful and unworthy. As if He’s saying something like, “there she goes again…” The more I do it, the more I care less and feel as is Jesus is so far, and on the other side, less-interested. Though I’ve always known that His love is everlasting, accepts me every time I repent. But that thought seems like as if He only cares when I repent when I ask for forgiveness and ask for his help. Worse, I care less knowing He’ll forgive and still love me anyway. At least that’s what I thought. As God brought me into a deeper relationship with Him, the greatest thing He revealed is His character. That He is…
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts,always hope, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
“For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentlenesses, and self-control.” – Galatians 5:22-23
And mostly, He has and always been great I am.
For He is the great Healer (Psalm 103:3), Redeemer (Isaiah 59:20), Deliverer (Psalm 70:5), My strength (Psalm 43:2), Shelter (Joel 3:16), Friend (John 15:15), Restorer (Psalm 23:3), Everlasting Father (Isaiah 9:6), Love (1 John 4:16), Stronghold (Nahum 1:7), Hiding place (Psalm 32:7), Everlasting light (Isaiah 60:20), Strong tower (Proverbs 18:10), Resting place (Jeremiah 50:6), Refuge from the storm (Isaiah 25:4), Provider (Genesis 22:14), Peace (2 Thessalonians 3:16), My shield (Psalm 144:2), Helper (Hebrews 13:6), Hope (Psalm 71:5), Comfort (Romans 15:5) and countless more if I would add it to the list.
It’s easy to confess it as if I’ve always known, but no. As informal as He wants me to know who He really is, from reading the book ‘The Cure‘ did I only understand the depth of what He’s directly telling me. In essence, He’s saying:
“What if I tell you who you now are? What if I take away any element of fear? What if tell you I will always love you? That I love you right now, as much as I love my only Son. What if I tell you there are no logs of past offences, of how little you pray, or how often you’ve let me down? What if I tell you, you are actually righteous, right now? What if I tell you I’m crazy about you? What if I tell you that, if I’m your Savior, you’re going to heaven no matter what—it’s a done deal? What if I tell you, you have a new nature, that you are a saint, not saved a sinner? What if I tell you I actually live in you now, my love, power, and nature at your disposal? What if I tell you, you don’t have to put on masks? That you don’t need to pretend we’re close? What if you knew that, when you mess up, I’ll never retaliate? What if you were convinced bad circumstances aren’t my way of evening the score? What if you knew the basis of our friendship isn’t how little you sin, but how much you allow me to love you? What if I tell you, you can hurt my heart, but I’ll never hurt yours? What if I tell you, you can open your eyes when you pray and still go to heaven? What if I tell you there is no secret agenda, no trapdoor? What if I tell you it isn’t about your self-effort, but about allowing me to live my life through you?”
As it is quoted in the book, “You have as much God as you’re gonna get! He lives in you! You are in Him. How much closer do you want than that? Every moment of every day, fused with you, there He is. He never moves. Never covers His ears when you sin, never puts up a newspaper, never turns His back. He’s not over on the other side of your sin, waiting for you to get it together so you can finally be close. It’s incredible! Don’t you think?” … I was completely an awe and humbled by the fact that to Him, I’ve always been altogether lovely and beautiful in His eyes. That He’s way more interested in me not to turn His back, even when I stumble and fall – best, even when I ignore Him at all. It’s true that His love is everlasting, who could ever comprehend!