20 Aug Rose Garden
As I was meandering at the beach this afternoon, I was pondering on God’s promises that don’t seem to make sense to me at the moment, promises that are so good that I have yet to taste, smell and touch. Memories start to draw in, more as I walk past my favourite place. Then, as if I entered the garden of worship, tears fell from eyes as if God unveiled His glory through the rays of sunshine – shining in the entire most beautiful flowers I’ve ever seen. My emotions overwhelmed me, even more as the garden reveals its beauty whilst I walk by. Not realizing how it’s becoming melodramatic because of how I was appreciating it, inside I felt the sense of sadness, a sadness I couldn’t understand. As I try to fathom everything, being in His presence and experiencing His glory, I silently groaned my heart and my thoughts. I knew then when I felt the presence of sadness, I was leaning on my own understanding, my own expectations and my own strength. Though what I see is beautiful, right there and then everything seems to make no sense. I cried as I tried to understand it more, hoping that God could just make all my thoughts go away, or rather remove some memories to help me forget. But as I ponder and stay in His presence, He spoke to me about something…
“Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” – Hebrews 11:1
He spoke to me about faith. I know, I’ve always known. But not until God revealed me the true nature of faith, showing me its truthfulness not in the midst of knowing there’s assurance, but also in the midst of not knowing, and when it doesn’t make sense –when it doesn’t make sense AT ALL. Faith that’ll give me rest and hope in the future. REST. Since I knew I was leaning (relying) on my own understanding, that moment, my heart wasn’t at rest. HOPE. As I see and fathom how things happen, hope just doesn’t seem to be relevant. Silently sobbing and forgetting the fact of my vulnerability around the people passing by, praying for help, God revealed me one thing…
“I prove to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from Me. It’s a good thing when you’re young to stick to it out through hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don’t ask questions: Wait for hope to appear.” And “Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
Right before my eyes, as if I was in the garden of worship, as the light of His glory gleams everywhere, I felt peace like I’ve tasted it, touched it and smelled it. Right there and then, I still didn’t understand what, why and how, but I knew God was in control. Leaving that place that afternoon, with bigger and better perspective, there’s one important thing I knew… If God chooses to give the desires of my heart, answer all my prayers and answer all my questions, then God is God and God is good. If God chooses to not give the desires of my heart, not answer my prayers and leave me with no answers, then God is still God and God is still good.
“Be still, and know that I am God” – Psalm 46:10